Rosenthal,WHAT DOES BOYFRIEND NEED TO MAKE UP MIND? (commitment,sex/sexual issues)

Wk of Dec 9, 2007 wc: 724

WHAT DOES MY BOYFRIEND NEED IN ORDER TO MAKE UP HIS MIND?

Dear Neil: Twice in the past year my boyfriend of two years has indicated to me that he’s confused and needs to think about our relationship. The first time was six months ago. Now he wants more time, and I’m not sure I want to give him any more time. Is he going to be chronically confused in this relationship?

Not Knowing Which Way To Turn

South Africa

Dear South Africa: Sometimes people don’t want to give up a relationship that they may not be all that enamored with, but they consider it better then nothing. Other times a person may not be ready to make a long-term commitment because of timing or of life’s circumstances (starting out in a career, finishing up school, grieving over a previous love, career or financial instability, etc.) There’s also the compatibility issue, the “Is this the one?” issue and the “Have I sowed my wild oats?” issue.

Why don’t you ask him? Ask him what’s in his way—or what he needs—in order to make up his mind and no longer be in confusion about your relationship.

Dear Neil: I am a 68 year-young woman, married for one year after being widowed for many years. We are very active sexually, but the only issue we have is that my husband can’t reach orgasm. The desire and excitement is present, but the body seems unwilling to cooperate. He is 70. He seems blocked in spite of my manual stimulation and in spite of taking Cialis medication sometimes. He is resistant to having a physical examination. Can you offer any suggestions or help with this problem? He is very responsive to me and tells me that I shouldn’t worry because he enjoys our sex life very much—but I would like to see him reach fulfillment.

Sexually Unfulfilled

Dear Unfulfilled: If you couldn’t reach orgasm—and you told him you were fine with things just as they were—how would you respond if he didn’t accept what you said and continued to pressure you to fix your “problem?” Be respectful that this is his choice to make and it’s a personal choice.

Dear Neil: I am a 26 year-old female who has been living with my boyfriend for a year. We have gotten into a routine for sex and I hate it. I dread having sex because it is always in the same way, place, day and time. I am afraid to talk to him and he sees nothing wrong. I need help because I love him and want it to work, but I am slowly dying inside because I am not pleased.

Unpleased in Colorado

Dear Colorado: You’re going to have to overcome your fears and have an extremely open and honest talk with. Tell him you would like some changes made in the way the two of you make love. Tell him you are losing your enthusiasm and excitement because it’s becoming too routine and predictable for you.

Then tell him that you would like to take the sexual lead for awhile, and that you’d like him to follow your lead. Introduce everything you can think of in order to make the sexual experience more interesting for you. There are adult stores (go to facinations.com) that sell a huge number of adult toys and erotic aids.

You may be more adventurous than your boyfriend—not to mention more experienced in the fine art of love making. Become the teacher and help him learn. Guide him about what pleases you and what doesn’t. Help him understand how to please you. He would have to be a complete imbecile to not recognize that there’s something in this for him.

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Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, Colorado, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at (303) 758-8777, or e-mail him from his website, heartrelationships.com