Rosenthal,WHAT
OUR INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS TEACH US (relationships as teachers, hidden issues)
Wk of Sept 9, 2007 wc: 646
WHAT OUR INTIMATE
RELATIONSHIPS TEACH US
Note: This is the
second of a two-part series.
If you’re wise, you’ll view your intimate
relationships—and your partner—as your teacher.
Your relationships have essential lessons to teach you, and you must
learn them if you are to have a happy life:
- Happiness in a relationship is not just a question of
finding the right partner. It’s
also a matter of being the right
partner, by you being willing to blend, being in charge of your anger,
reactivity and defensiveness, being respectful, giving affection,
love, forgiveness, commitment, fidelity, acting trustworthy and reliable.
- In intimate communication, there is feeling and a
fact. We say: “I feel this about
that.” If you’re going to miss
anything in that communication, miss the fact. Do not miss the feeling, because the
feeling is what matters.
- You can find excellent reason to reject
everyone—alive or dead—on this planet.
The trick is to find—and to continue to find—reasons for staying
together.
- You can’t withdraw when you’re hurt or angry. Withdrawal is the death knell of an
intimate relationship. Withdrawal
kills intimacy. Far better for you
to say you are upset, angry or hurt, and to attempt to talk it
through. You must learn to not put
up a wall if you want a close intimate relationship.
- Touch is the greatest aphrodisiac that exists. It helps us to get close, feel close and
stay close. If you’re not touching
each other a lot, your relationship is unlikely to feel hot and
passionate, and both of you will notice that the closeness and connection
you once had has waned. I’m talking
about affectionate touch, not sexual touch.
- Ask yourself:
“If I were going to make this relationship work, what would I need to
do? What would I need to quit
doing?” Most people know what they
want from their intimate partner, but few people have a clear perspective
about what their partner needs or wants from them. If you don’t know the answer to this
question—or if your answers are superficial or vague—ask your partner: “Are you getting your needs met in this
relationship? And if not, what
would you like different?” Then do
your best to honor what your intimate partner says matters.
- When your mate is angry, s/he is usually feeling hurt
underneath that anger. Ask why s/he
is feeling hurt. That’s how you can
diffuse anger.
- Stop complaining to friends and family about your
relationship. If you have a
problem, go directly to your mate.
- If you want your relationship to work, you have to
make it your conscious intention and purpose to make it work. In order for romance to stay alive, you
have to keep it alive.
- If your mate doesn’t feel cherished by you, your
relationship will feel less intimate and less connected. What behaviors would make your partner
feel cherished? Ask this question.
If you think about it, some of your
greatest lessons have come from your intimate relationships. It’s how we grow; how we gain wisdom and
maturity. Your relationships have
something to teach you about how things work and how you are expected to
behave. With every misstep or error that
you make, ask yourself: “What is the lesson
in this for me? What can this teach
me?”
You are likely to discover that many
of life’s lessons are centered around your intimate
relationships with those people close to you, especially your spouse or
intimate partner.
============================================================
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed
marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, Colorado,
specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at (303) 758-8777, or
e-mail him from his website, heartrelationships.com