Dear Neil: My husband had an affair two years ago and left home. We continued to "date" the three months he was out of the house. He moved back home in March, and we decided that all was forgiven. 

Now there are new signs that are somewhat evident of him having an affair all over again. He has started smoking again, which is what he did right before he left last time. He has recently not been wanting to go places with me, and I feel he is looking for excuses to exclude me from people or activities that he's engaged in. I don't want to make him feel that he is not allowed to go anywhere without me, but I am aware that being without me in the past has led to problems for our marriage. 

Life has not been easy with this man, but we have a business together, and three children. Are there telltale signs of infidelity, or that an affair is about to begin?

Debra M. 
Lexington, Kentucky

Dear Debra: While there are no universal telltale signs of infidelity, there are often clues: 

* Has your mate withdrawn or distanced from you?

* Has communication between the two of you declined or deteriorated? How openly are the two of you addressing problems, issues or conflicts? Are your disagreements getting worked through and resolved, or are they constantly festering underground?

* Does your mate flirt with other people?

* Is there a lot of anger in the relationship? 

* Does your mate make sexual comments about other people or to other people?

* How impulsive is your partner? Does he or she sometimes do dramatic things on the spur of the moment without consideration for the consequences?

* Do the two of you fight over the subject of s 

* Does your mate inappropriately touch other people?

* Does he\she go to bars without you and come drunk or high?

* Do you sometimes catch him\her in lies? Is he\she sometimes dishonest with you?

* Does your mate sometimes talk about leaving the relationship, or that he\she is very unhappy, lonely, disappointed or unfulfilled in the relationship?

* Have your partner's sexual techniques abruptly changed without prior discussion?

* Is he\she acting suspicious, excluding you from people or events, coming home at unusual hours, or coming home wearing different clothes from he what he\she left the house wearing without a plausible explanation.

It would be prudent, of course, to give your mate the benefit of the doubt on this subject. Several of the above characteristics could occur without it meaning that he or she is having an affair. These are just guidelines about detecting an affair, not rules.

Although sex is involved, an affair isn't normally about sex. It's about an individual or couple not dealing with issues, avoiding conflicts and ignoring emotions. 

Thus, adultery is a form of communication. It's a way for one person to say to their mate: "The relationship isn't working for me. I am feeling profoundly dissatisfied and disappointed."