Rosenthal,SUGGESTIONS FOR DEALING
WITH NARCISSISTS (narcissism)
Wk Jan 28, 2007, wc: 699
SUGGESTIONS
FOR DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST
Note: This is the third of a three-part series.
If you are in a relationship with
someone who is narcissistic, here are some suggestions to help you, taken from
Steven Carter and Julia Sokol’s book Help! I’m In Love With A Narcissist (M.
Evans & Co.):
- Quit being so
eager to please. Remember that,
number one, narcissists are amazingly demanding, and number two, people
who fall in love with narcissists tend to want to please their partner’s
demands. Your eagerness to please
sends a narcissist the message that you are somebody who is easily
manipulated and that your good intentions can be misused. Give a reasonable and appropriate
amount, but no more. Don’t always
be the person who doesn’t “mind” doing the extra work. Don’t always be the person who is racing
around catering to your partner’s needs and wants. Too much giving is often the product of
an incredibly
open-hearted
approach to life. This can be a lovely
quality, but not if you are consistently put in a position where your good
intentions and your good heart are misused.
- A narcissist
may pay lip service to your decency, honesty and vulnerability, but
that doesn’t mean that s/he is going to treat you as though these are
precious qualities to be protected.
Narcissists can be demeaning, negative, hurtful, sarcastic and
incredibly insensitive to anything except their own “pain.” Your vulnerability is unlikely to stop
them from asking for way too much and giving back way too little.
- Stop pouring
good energy into a negative scenario. Instead of trying to change your
partner’s selfish ways, give up all pleading, cajoling, complaining and
arguing. Just realize and accept
that this approach is not going to work.
Take a look at your partner realistically and accept what you see,
whatever that is. Look at the
tactics you have used that have already failed, and don’t keep stepping on
the same mine fields. Instead of putting
your mental energy into what your partner isn’t giving you, put your focus
and energy on doing things for yourself.
- Stop being so
understanding. Stop being so
sensitive to his/her pain. It’s
important that you not fall into the trap of allowing yourself to become
consumed with what you think your partner is experiencing. Instead of worrying about what your
partner may or not be feeling, pay attention to what you are feeling.
- Remember that
your partner is an adult. People
who fall in love with narcissist often end up viewing those partners as
vulnerable children who need their protection. This is a big mistake, and this attitude
does little to establish the type of relationship you actually want. Ask yourself: Do you make excuses for your partner? Do you cover for your partner’s
mistakes? Do you go out of your way
to protect your partner, much as you would with a child? Treating your partner as you would a
child is not good for your partner, your relationship or for you. Let go of this attitude.
- Do less. Ask you partner to do more. And don’t buy it when s/he says you’re
being unfair or unrealistic
One more thing. Ask yourself if whether you are too easily
influenced by how someone dresses or looks.
Are you too easily swayed by someone who has a smooth presentation? When you meet someone new, are you able to
look behind his credentials and the image he presents in order to get a real
sense of the person and his emotional makeup?
When ask what qualities we want in future partners, we often list things
like kindness, compassion and generosity.
But when we meet somebody for the first time, we can be so wowed by the
presentation that we forget about what we really want. Don’t lose sight of the qualities you really
want and value in an intimate partner.
==============================================
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist
in Denver and Boulder,
Colorado,
specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be
reached at (303)
758-8777, or e-mail him from his website, heartrelationships.com