Rosenthal,CHANGING NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR (narcissism)

Wk June 29, 2008 wc. 691

CHANGING NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIORS

Dear Neil: I need to cure my narcissistic behaviors. But I don’t know where to start. Can you help?

Unsure of What To Do

Dear Unsure: Let’s say your intimate partner says she isn’t feeling valued and cared for by you. She mentions that in order to spend time with you, she feels she has to watch an inordinate amount of sports programs on TV that she doesn’t care about, she feels very little affection coming from you outside the bedroom, and that you fill your evenings and weekends up with activities and/or friends that requires her to fit into your interests if she wants to be included in your life. Your response is to tell her that you like your life the way it is, that you want to continue doing what you’re doing, and that maybe she should get a life and figure out how to be happy.

Now let’s say we replay your response to her complaints. Instead of discounting her feelings or telling her that you have the right to do what you want to do, imagine what would happen if instead you told her that you valued her happiness, contentment and comfort, that you want her to enjoy herself when she is with you, that you’d be interested in suggestions about what activities she would instead prefer on evenings and weekends—and then you followed up and did those things she wanted—perhaps alternating an event you choose with an event she chooses. What would you guess her reaction to be with your first response—as opposed to your second response?

You lessen narcissism (being selfish, self-centered and lacking empathy for how others feel) when you are willing to make conscious efforts to attempt to put other people’s needs, feelings, wants and desires equal to your own. It requires you to think

binocular—not monocular—the vast majority of the time. In order to do that, you are going to have to truly listen to another person.

Then you must honor what the other person says is important to him or her more often than not. It’s making important to you what’s important to me. That is the opposite of narcissistic behavior.

One way to do that is to make sure you paraphrase back what the other person says and feels so s/he feels heard and understood. If the other person corrects you because s/he didn’t feel you paraphrased it back accurately, allow yourself to be corrected with no sarcasm or dismissal. Your goal is to communicate to the other person that you really hear, that you really get how s/he feels or what s/he wants. Then you must follow through reliably and consistently, and honor the other person’s request when at all possible.

Dear Neil: You once wrote that, if all possible, do not forgive someone who has hurt you until you can let him or her know how much pain the whole experience has caused you. It’s been a year since I found out of my husband’s infidelity. I have since made amends, with him and with myself, about what led to his affair. But I want to clean the slate and let go of my hurt and anger against the other woman. Therefore, I want to write her a letter letting her know that by forgiving her and letting go of my resentment, I am setting myself free. Do you think it is a good idea to get in touch with this woman?

Poised to Forgive

Dear Poised: If forgiving her helps you heal, then by all means it would be worthwhile for you to do so. That being said, I would advise you to not expect her to have a gracious response. Your letter is likely to embarrass her and she could well respond to your note with anger, blame or venom.

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Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder, Colorado, specializing in how people strengthen their intimate relationships. He can be reached at (303) 758-8777, or e-mail him from his website, heartrelationships.com