Rosenthal,HOW TO DESTROY RELATIONSHIP (sabotaging your
relationship)
Wk July 3, 2005 wc: 644
HOW
TO DESTROY YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Through the years as a marriage
therapist, I have been asked a countless number of times: “We were so wild about each other. So much in love. So passionate.
How could we have possibly grown this cold and distant from each other?”
There are a variety of answers to
the above question. Below are the top
ways people ruin their marriage, injure love, destroy trust and generally make their
relationship a
miserable experience:
- Making other things your top priority—work, computer,
friends, TV, sports, children, etc.—rather that your intimate
relationship.
- Lack of affection.
Hand holding, hugs, cuddling and physical tenderness is not only
erotic and seductive, but it’s a glue that keeps the two of you feeling
close, connected and bonded to each other.
Its absence usually means the two of you have grown far apart.
- Dishonesty.
It’s hard to trust someone who doesn’t act trustworthy—who has deceived, misled or betrayed you in the
past—or who is secretive, hidden or withholding of feelings or important
personal information.
- Stonewalling. Rather
than addressing what bothers you, you wall off and stay and walled off for
awhile.
- Being defensive. Because it becomes increasingly
difficult for your mate to say anything to you that you’d rather not hear,
and over time, it shuts down communication, connection and closeness,
because your partner becomes afraid of (or discouraged) from telling you what’s
on his/her mind or how s/he truly feels.
- Being passive-aggressive. Not directly stating how you feel, what
you want or what you need, but rather punishing your partner in any number
of ways if you don’t get what you want.
- Being overly critical or argumentative. It makes you annoying and difficult to
be around.
- Being resentful, angry or hostile too much of the
time. Then people will want to
avoid you, or they’ll become afraid of you. Either one will destroy intimacy and trust.
- Being self-absorbed
or self-centered. Looking out for
you, not for the welfare, happiness or contentment of your partner—and
certainly not being mindful of what’s in the best interest of your
relationship.
- Not taking accountability for your behaviors—especially
your difficult behaviors—or feeling so self-justified and self-righteous
that you seldom think you owe an apology for your hurtful, insensitive or
demeaning words or behaviors.
- Control/power struggles. No one wants to be controlled or to feel
powerless, and therefore shared power is the only way that really works.
- Being walled off.
Hard to reach. Emotionally
or physically distant, closed or withholding.
- Not communicating your needs, wants or desires
clearly enough, or not treating those needs, as if they’re important.
- Seeking stimulation in all the wrong places, through
alcohol, drugs, an affair, porn, sports, work or in any other way that
ultimately separates or distances you and your intimate partner.
- Infidelity or betrayal. This is the worst method ever for
attempting to tell your intimate partner you’re unhappy, because once
trust in ruptured, it is extremely difficult to recapture—and the price is
very high. You also, inadvertently,
invite a revenge affair.
- Having low
trust. It’s very hard to be with
someone who isn’t willing to offer you benefit of the doubt, or who sees
your motives as suspect.
- Poor listening skills. Most people talk too much about things
that don’t, and listen with a genuine desire to understand way too
little.
- Lack of sex.
Your partner is bound to feel resentful, angry, rejected and
cheated.
- Not treating as important that which is important to
your partner.
=============================================================
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed
marriage and family therapist in Boulder
and Denver, and a relationship
coach. Call him at (303)758-8777, or
e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com