Rosenthal,Unlock Bariers (sabotaging a relationship,
walled-off)
Wk May 15, 2005 wc: 647
UNLOCK BARRIERS TO
GIVING AND RECEIVING LOVE
Dear Neil: My wife and I have been reading your recent
three-part series about how people block themselves from giving and receiving
love. It has spoken closely to our
situation. At conception, my wife was
unwanted by her mother. This translated
to her forming strong and mystifying barriers to me. These barriers have refused all our efforts
of being dismantled over the past 23 years.
The fragility of our marriage led to her being unfaithful recently. She is deeply repentant, and is now able to
receive my love. But the barriers in
returning that love to me still remain.
Do you have any suggestions on how to address the root issues here in
our situation?
Shut Out
in New Zealand
Dear New
Zealand:
The process of attempting to figure out one person’s relationship
issues, fears, defenses and protections is complicated. But for the highly motivated, here is one
exercise you and your wife can do that may help the two of you uncover the
source for her relationship barriers.
This exercise comes from the book Receiving
Love by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt (Atria Books).
Complete the sentences below as
they apply to your respective childhoods:
- Mom’s messages
(or female caretaker): It’s OK
to want… It’s OK to receive…. It’s
not OK to want… It’s not OK to
receive…. It’s OK to give… It’s not OK to give…
- Dad’s messages
(or male caretaker): It’s OK to
want… It’s OK to receive… It’s not OK to want… It’s not OK to
receive… It’s OK to give… It’s not OK to give…
- If I obeyed
the negative messages, then… If
I disobeyed the negative messages, then…
If I obeyed the positive messages, then… If I disobeyed the
positive messages, then…
- The negative
messages I obeyed were…, and the consequences were… The negative messages I disobeyed were…,
and the consequences were… The
positive messages I obeyed were…, and the consequences were… The positive messages I disobeyed were…,
and the consequences were…
- Given the
messages I obeyed, what decisions did I make about who I am… what I deserve… what I don’t
deserve… Given who I am, what I
deserve and what I don’t deserve, I can expect from life that… And given
all of that, the kind of intimate relationship I will have is…
- Given the
messages I disobeyed, what decisions did I make about who I am… what I deserve… and what I don’t
deserve…
- Which messages
am I still obeying? Which
decisions are still active? What
consequences am I still experiencing?
Which of the decisions do I want to change? What thoughts, behaviors and feelings
would I have to change in order to negate those decisions?
- In my
relationship with my partner, it’s OK for me to want… It’s OK for me
to receive…It’s not OK for me to want… It’s not OK for me to receive… It’s OK for me to give… It’s not OK for
me to give…
- In my
relationship with my partner, s/he feels it’s OK to want from me… It’s
OK to receive from me… It’s not OK to want from me… It’s not OK to receive
from me… It’s OK to give to me… It’s not OK to give to me…
The results of this exercise will
give both you and your partner insights into the ways in which childhood
messages continue to have life within your relationship, even if you have
different perspectives on some of these questions. You can use these insights to identify and
discuss your barriers to giving and receiving love.
=============================================================
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed
marriage and family therapist in Boulder
and Denver, and a relationship
coach. Call him at (303)758-8777, or
e-mail him from his website www.heartrelationships.com