Rosenthal,SEVEN DEADLY
RELATIONSHIP SINS (sabotaging a relationship)
Wk Oct 14, 2007 wc: 510
SEVEN
DEADLY RELATIONSHIP SINS
Here is a list of seven deadly
relationship sins:
- Being too
detached, withdrawn, removed, guarded or disengaged. Not talking or revealing your
feelings. Not asking about your
partner’s feelings—or not taking an interest in those feelings once they
are shared. Not making your
relationship a top priority. Not
going all out and giving your very best to the relationship. Keeping one foot out the door. Holding
back. Allowing yourself to get
jaded and cynical, and therefore not believing in the dream anymore. Hating men. Not trusting women. Being walled off, not sharing your inner
self/emotions/hopes/dreams/disappointments with your partner. Not letting your partner in.
- Being
self-absorbed. Selfish. Only looking out for yourself. Not recognizing or being tuned in to
your partner’s feelings. Having
poor empathy for your partner’s emotions, needs, desires or requests. Lack of compassion.
- Being
defensive, and therefore not allowing someone else to tell you what
upsets, irritates, hurts or angers them.
Being so self-protective that your partner doesn’t feel a sense of permission
or receptivity from you in order to identify what s/he thinks, feels or
wants. When you can’t be “wrong,” you can’t be in a healthy intimate
relationship.
- Being too
volatile. Losing your
temper. Saying mean things in anger
that you can never truly retract.
Angry outbursts, especially those that devalue your partner, or
make him/her feel put down or belittled.
Threatening to end the relationship if you don’t get your way. Using anger in order to get your way or
in order to stop a discussion.
- Running from a
deeper connection or a greater commitment. Being ambivalent, and therefore unsure of
whether you want a relationship with the person you are with. Not matching your words of love with
your behaviors.
- Not making
important to you what’s important to me. Not being willing to blend your ways with
mine, your preferences with mine, your interests with mine. Not being easily adaptable. Not being willing to honor what you want
and value—or to value what’s important to you myself.
- Lack of
inclusion and teamwork. Not
treating me as if I’m on your side.
Viewing our relationship as two adversaries rather than us being on
the same team. I’ll look out for me and you look out for you, rather than
us looking out for each other and what’s best for our relationship. Having monocular rather than binocular
vision.
This is by no means an exhaustive
list of relationship miscues. There are
more deadly relationship sins—infidelity, dishonesty and deception instantly
come to mind. But all of these are sins
you’d be wise to get under control. If
you don’t, your relationships with others will be tortured—or they will cease
to work at all.
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Neil Rosenthal is a licensed
marriage and family therapist in Denver
and Boulder, Colorado, specializing in how people
strengthen their intimate relationships.
He can be reached at (303) 758-8777, or e-mail him from his website,
heartrelationships.com