ROSENTHAL,HOW CRITICAL ARE YOU?

For week of Aug 27, 2001 WC:  563

   

 

HOW CRITICAL ARE YOU? 

 

TAKE THIS QUIZ TO FIND OUT

 

 

NOTE:  THIS IS THE FIRST OF A TWO-PART SERIES

 

Dear Neil:  My boyfriend accuses me of being a critical person.   I admit I complain from time to time about things that bother or disturb me about him, but I don’t think that I am that critical of him overall.  Is there a way to tell if I am crossing the line and being too critical?

 

                                                                                                Upset In Phoenix

 

Dear Phoenix:  Take this quiz if you’d like to learn how critical you:

 

  1. During an argument or disagreement, I tend to think it is very important to determine who is at fault.  You: __yes  __no   Your partner:  __yes ___no
  2. I see it as my job to present all of my complaints.

You:  ____yes  ___no              Your partner:  __yes  __no

  1. I try to make a general point instead of being specific about one situation or action.  You:  __yes  __no  Your partner:  __yes  __no
  2. I analyze my partner’s personality in addition to discussing specific actions that bother me.  You:  __yes  __no    Your partner:  __yes  __no
  3. I let things build up for a long time before I complain. 

You:  __yes  __no                                Your partner:  __yes  __no

  1. I don’t censor my complaints at all.  I really let my partner have it full force.

You:  __yes  __no                    Your partner:  __yes  __no

 

  1. When I complain, my emotions are very intense and powerful.

You:  __yes  __no                    Your partner:  __yes  __no

  1. I don’t try to be very rational when I state what I think is wrong.

You:  __yes  __no                    Your partner:  __yes  __no

  1. When I complain, I bring up my partner’s faults.

You:  __yes  __no                    Your partner:  __yes  __no

  1. There’s no stopping me once I get started.

You:  __yes  __no                    Your partner:  __yes  __no

  1. I regret my tactless choice of words when I complain.

You:  __yes  __no                    Your partner:  __yes  __no

  1. Whenever I bring up a problem, I know I am basically right.

You:  __yes  __no                    Your partner:  __yes  __no

  1. Whenever I bring up problem, it is my goal to get my partner to see how I’m right.  You:  __yes  __no               Your partner:  __yes  __no
  2. It’s my goal to get my partner to accept some blame for the problem.

You:  __yes  __no                    Your partner:  __yes  __no

  1. When I complain, I tend to use phrases like “you always” or “you never.”

You:  __yes  __no                    Your partner:  __yes  __no

 

Scoring:  If you checked “yes” on more than five items, you are a candidate for being considered critical in your relationship.

 

Being critical is not evil.  It can begin innocently enough, and it is often an expression of pent-up unresolved anger or frustration.  Problems occur when criticisms become so pervasive—or one person is so sensitive to it—that it begins to erode the relationship.

 

I will discuss criticism—and how it effects an intimate relationship, and what you can do about it in next week’s column.

 

Source:  “Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail” by John Gottman (Fireside).

 

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver and Boulder.  His syndicated column appears in dozens of newspapers in the U.S. and around the world.  Call him at (303) 758-8777, e-mail him at www.heartrelationships.com, or write him care of this paper.