Rosenthal,Assessing Relationship Questionnaire

Wk of July 28, 02 WC: 602

 

 

WHAT ARE THE CONFLICTS/ISSUES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?  

 

 

NOTE:  THIS IS THE FIRST OF A TWO-PART SERIES

 

What are the issues, conflicts or problems in your relationship?  Take the following questionnaire to find out.  Underline all that applies: 

  1. We are becoming emotionally distant.  We have difficulty just simply talking to each other; we are staying emotionally in touch with each other less; I feel taken for granted; I feel my partner doesn’t know me right now; my partner is (or I am) emotionally disengaged; we spend less time together.
  2. There is spillover of non-relationship stresses (such as job tension) into our relationship.  We don’t always help each other reduce daily stresses; we don’t talk about these stresses together; we don’t talk about stress in a helpful manner; my mate doesn’t listen with understanding about my stresses and worries; my partner takes job or other stresses out on me; my partner takes job or other stresses out on the children or others.
  3. Our relationship is lacks romance and passion.  My mate (or I) have stopped being verbally affectionate; my spouse (or I) express love or admiration less frequently; we rarely touch each other; my partner (or I) have stopped feeling very romantic; we rarely cuddle; we have few tender or passionate moments.
  4. We are having problems in our sex life.  Sex is less frequent; I (or my mate) get less satisfaction from sex; we have problems talking about sex; each of us wants different things sexually; desire is less than it once was; our love making feels less loving.
  5. Our relationship is not dealing well with an important change (such as the birth of a child, a job loss, move, illness or death of a loved one).  We have very different views on how to handle things; this event has led my partner to be very distant; this event has made us both irritable; this event has led to a lot of fighting; I am worried about how this will all turn out; we are taking very different positions.
  6.  We have a conflict about children.  We have a conflict about whether to have a child.  We have very different goals for our children; we differ on what to discipline children for; we differ on how to discipline our children; we have issues on how to be close to our kids; we are not talking about these problems well; there is much tension and anger about these differences.
  7. We have a conflict concerning in-laws or relatives.   I feel unaccepted by my partner’s family; I sometimes wonder which family my spouse is in; I feel unaccepted by my own family; there is tension between us about what might happen; this issue has generated a lot of irritability; I worry about how this will turn out.
  8. One of us is flirtatious outside the relationship, or may have had a recent affair, or there is jealousy.  This area is a source of a lot of hurt; this is an area that creates insecurity; I can’t deal with the lies; it’s hard to reestablish trust; it’s hard to know how to heal over this.

I will continue this questionnaire in next week’s column.

 

Source:  “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman (Three Rivers Press).

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Boulder and Denver.  His syndicated column appears in dozens of newspapers in the U.S. and around the world.  Call him at (303) 758-8777, e-mail him at www.heartrelationships.com or write him care of this paper.