ROSENTHAL,TRUSTING
YOURSELF AGAIN
Wk of
April 8, 2002 WC: 635
TRUSTING
YOURSELF AGAIN IS KEY
Dear
Neil: I was blindsided by my
ex-husband. He fell in love with
another woman while I thought we were happily married. The day after we divorced four years ago, he
married her. Since then, I haven't been
willing to get really close to another man, fearing the same thing would happen
again. Could you recommend a first step
I could take in order to begin healing this wound?
Still Hurting In Florida
Dear
Florida: Sometimes we respond to hurt
and betrayal by choosing to guard ourselves-and to insulate our hearts and our
emotions-from ever feeling the same feelings (or intensity of feelings) again. We wall off our hearts, and dare not risk
love again, which is safe, but terribly unsatisfying and lonely.
It
sounds to me that you don't trust yourself to make a wise decision about
romance anymore, so you're essentially opting out of the process all
together. So ask yourself this
question: "What would it take for me to trust myself?"
You can
change this scenario. You can make a
decision to risk your heart again. Only
this time go into the whole experience with conscious, wide-open eyes. Don't be mistrusting, suspicious or
paranoid, but do pay attention to what is happening so you minimize the risk of
getting blindsided again. Put faith in
yourself so you can trust your perceptions and judgments again.
Dear
Neil: I have a friend who is in a big
dilemma. "Geoff" met a friend who he got on with very well, and she
was a great match for him. Six months
into the relationship, Geoff discovered that he was going to be a dad. He and
his lady decided that the only true option was to have the baby and commit to a
future with each other, so he rang family and friends with the good news. Three weeks later, Geoff was then told by
the woman that there was a possibility that he was not the father.
The
dilemma is that Geoff now feels that he can't trust her, knowing that she stood
by and heard him tell his family and friends that he was the dad-when in fact
she knew that he may not be. He is
prepared to stand by her no matter what if the child is his, but he feels
betrayed by her lack of openness and honesty on this issue.
Trying To Help in New Zealand
Dear
New Zealand: Perhaps Geoff could have a
doctor do a simple blood test after the baby arrives which would establish
paternity beyond a doubt. This could
help Geoff feel more comfortable, assuming the baby is indeed his.
Second,
he could ask the woman why she was not more forthcoming about the circumstances
surrounding the pregnancy up-front, and why she allowed him to tell family and
friends without letting him in on the whole truth. Two people in a committed relationship must be able to trust each
other, and must be able to assume that neither is intentionally misleading or
deceiving the other. This is where
Geoff and his girlfriend need to clear the air and reach agreements about
honesty, full disclosure, fidelity and trustworthiness in the future.
**********************************************************************
I will
be conducting a workshop titled "Creating An A+ Relationship" on
April 20 in Boulder, and a second workshop titled "To Love and To Be Loved"
on April 27 in Glenwood Springs. For
more information call (303 758-8777.
*********************************************************************
Neil
Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist I Boulder and
Denver. His syndicated column appears
in dozens of newspapers in the U.S. and around the world. Call him at (303)758-8777, e-mail him at
www.heartrelationshps.com or write him care of this paper.