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Emotionally Distant

Attracted to the Wrong Person

Repeating The Familiar

Repeating The Familiar

"Why am I attracted to emotionally unavailable men?", asks Sandra P. from Christchurch, New Zealand. "Time after time, I get involved with men who are emotionally withdrawn and distant, or physically remote, or married, or workaholic, and do not want to be close to me, except sexually. These men do not want me to know a lot about them, and they don't usually get to know me very well either. They seem to want the companionship and sexuality of a relationship, but not the sharing, closeness, commitment or intimacy.

Withdrawal and Disconnection

Feeling a bit disengaged or withdrawn in your relationship recently?   Don’t feel badly.  Most people do.

Everyone—no matter how close or intimate, and no matter how much you may love each other—sometimes feels disconnected from the people they love and are devoted to.  Let’s face it:  living with someone—or being around someone a lot—can really tax our patience.  We can grow annoyed with people we also love and care about, including our children, parents, extended family, friends and especially our intimate partners.

Hot and Cold Behavior is Confusing

Dear Neil:  I am a 25 year-old divorced mother.  My boyfriend and I recently moved to the same neighborhood to be close to each other, but ever since then he has gotten moodier and more distant..  This has made me increasingly panicky about our relationship, and when I question him about his motivation for space, he gets angry and says we should break up.  I love him very much and would give him the world if it would make us better again.  But I feel unimportant, devalued and that he doesn’t respect my feelings.  How do we get back to good?

What Makes a Person Emotionally Unavailable?

Dear Neil:  What makes a person—namely a man—become emotionally unavailable?  Why do men seem to value being emotionally available far less than women?  What are some things a man could do to overcome being emotionally unavailable?

Hurt in New York

Craving Intimacy - But Rejecting It When Offered

Dear Neil:  I don’t understand why a man who said he was searching for a love relationship rejected it when it was offered to him.  He said I was his best friend, easy to get along with, comfortable to be around, responsive, warm, affectionate, hot, romantic and sexy.  He said I was everything he was looking for in a woman, that he was looking to settle down and marry, and that he was deeply in love with me. 

Emotionally Unavailable People Typically Remain Unavailable

Dear Neil:  I have always blamed the men I was with for things not working out.  They weren’t right, didn’t treat me well, etc. The last man I was with expressed to me that he didn’t know what to do with his life and what he wanted.  This man was not only directionless, he was also depressed.  I convinced myself that it would just take a large dose of me—my care, my charm, my loving arms to get him back on track.

Romancing The Stone

Dear Neil:  I have a boyfriend who I think of as my soul mate, and I love him dearly.  The problem is that he rarely calls me, rarely has time to get together, rarely invites me out to dinner(or to other forms of entertainment), and seldom is endearing or romantic toward me.  He is preoccupied with his work, which is very demanding, and because of that we seldom actually see each other.  I know we’re destined to be together, but I’m not feeling special, valued or important to him, and I don’t know what to do about that.

Please help.

I Don't Know How to Trust People

Dear Neil:  I am 43 years-old and have never been married.  I have a college degree, am adventurous and fun.  But I don’t know how to trust people and allow my defenses to come down.  I couldn’t trust my parents.  My first boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend, and I have a history of choosing toxic partners.  I don’t know how to lose the defenses that I have developed.  I have been celibate for the last three years.  I feel myself not caring anymore if I ever allow myself to try to trust a boyfriend again.  Why try when it’s already be

Unlock Barriers to Giving and Receiving Love

Dear Neil:  My wife and I have been reading your recent three-part series about how people block themselves from giving and receiving love.  It has spoken closely to our situation.  At conception, my wife was unwanted by her mother.  This translated to her forming strong and mystifying barriers to me.  These barriers have refused all our efforts of being dismantled over the past 23 years.  The fragility of our marriage led to her being unfaithful recently.  She is deeply repentant, and is now able to receive my love.  But the barriers in returning

How We Avoid Loving and Being Loved

Note: This is the third of a three-part series.

On the simplest level, the way we approach our intimate relationships demonstrate whether we’ve learned if people are safe and trustworthy, or whether being close to others is dangerous because we are likely to end up getting hurt.  The fights, withdrawals and hurt feelings are really clues to both partners’ psychological histories, say Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, in the book “Receiving Love” (Atria, 2004).  

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