Troubleshooting Your Relationship

Dear Neil:  Please help me understand what happened to my marriage.  In the beginning of our relationship, we were so close with each other:  we spent huge amount of time talking, going to movies and new restaurants, traveling, sharing hopes and dreams, romancing each other, continually making love.  We were always affectionate—touching each other, holding hands, cuddling—and it was easy to let go of whatever grievances, annoyances, irritations or differences we had with each other.

Is there enough love and respect in your intimate relationship?  Do you and your partner show each other empathy, support, care, affection, friendship, sympathy and love?  How do you express such emotions, how is that expression received by your partner, and where could you improve in the ways that you express love and respect?

Take this quiz to find out.  Answer “yes” or “no” to each of the following statements, depending on whether you mostly agree or disagree.

Dear Neil:  My relationship with the man I’ve lived with for seven years can get very volatile at times, and tension can build uncomfortably high between us.  There is a fair amount of distancing, withdrawal and irritability between us.  But both of us are conflict avoiders, and neither of us is good at bringing tensions or issues up for discussion.  Is there a way to tell when we need to talk about conflicts and differences, even when we don’t feel like it?

Stubborn in Longmont, Colorado

What are your needs in an intimate relationship?  This is an exercise in self-discovery, adapted from Philip McGraw’s “The Relationship Rescue Workbook” (Hyperion).  As you recognize and acknowledge your needs, you create a path toward getting those needs met.

For every need that applies to you, put X on the line to the left of it.  I have the need:

____   To feel, and be told, that I am loved.

____    To feel a sense of belonging to and with my partner.