What Are The Conflicts/Issues in Your Relationship?

What are the issues, conflicts or problems in your relationship?  Take the following questionnaire to find out.  Underline all that applies:

1. We are becoming emotionally distant. We have difficulty just simply talking to each other; we are staying emotionally in touch with each other less; I feel taken for granted; I feel my partner doesn’t know me right now; my partner is (or I am) emotionally disengaged; we spend less time together.
2. There is spillover of non-relationship stresses (such as job tension) into our relationship. We don’t always help each other reduce daily stresses; we don’t talk about these stresses together; we don’t talk about stress in a helpful manner; my mate doesn’t listen with understanding about my stresses and worries; my partner takes job or other stresses out on me; my partner takes job or other stresses out on the children or others.
3. Our relationship is lacks romance and passion. My mate (or I) have stopped being verbally affectionate; my spouse (or I) express love or admiration less frequently; we rarely touch each other; my partner (or I) have stopped feeling very romantic; we rarely cuddle; we have few tender or passionate moments.
4. We are having problems in our sex life. Sex is less frequent; I (or my mate) get less satisfaction from sex; we have problems talking about sex; each of us wants different things sexually; desire is less than it once was; our love making feels less loving.
5. Our relationship is not dealing well with an important change (such as the birth of a child, a job loss, move, illness or death of a loved one). We have very different views on how to handle things; this event has led my partner to be very distant; this event has made us both irritable; this event has led to a lot of fighting; I am worried about how this will all turn out; we are taking very different positions.
6. We have a conflict about children. We have a conflict about whether to have a child.  We have very different goals for our children; we differ on what to discipline children for; we differ on how to discipline our children; we have issues on how to be close to our kids; we are not talking about these problems well; there is much tension and anger about these differences.
7. We have a conflict concerning in-laws or relatives. I feel unaccepted by my partner’s family; I sometimes wonder which family my spouse is in; I feel unaccepted by my own family; there is tension between us about what might happen; this issue has generated a lot of irritability; I worry about how this will turn out.
8. One of us is flirtatious outside the relationship, or may have had a recent affair, or there is jealousy. This area is a source of a lot of hurt; this is an area that creates insecurity; I can’t deal with the lies; it’s hard to reestablish trust; it’s hard to know how to heal over this.
9. Unpleasant fights have occurred between us recently. There are more fights; fights seems to come out of nowhere; anger and irritability have crept into our relationship; we get into conflicts where we are hurting each other; I don’t feel very respected lately; I feel criticized.
10. We have differences in our basic goals, values or desired lifestyle. Differences have arisen in our life’s goals; differences have arisen about important beliefs; differences have arisen on leisure time interests; we seem to want different things out of life; we are growing in different directions; I don’t much like who I am with my partner.
11. Very disturbing events have occurred in our relationship. There has been physical violence between us; there is a problem with alcohol, drugs or other types of addictive behaviors; our marriage “contract” is changing; I find some of what my partner wants upsetting or repulsive; I am now feeling disappointed by this relationship.
12. We are not working well as a team. We used to share more of the family’s work load; we seem to be pulling in opposite directions; my partner does not fairly share in housework or childcare; my partner is not carrying his/her weight financially; s/he is not being very considerate; I feel alone managing the family.
13. We are having trouble sharing power and influence. I don’t feel influential in decisions we make; my partner has become more domineering; I have become more demanding; my spouse has become passive; my partner is “spacey” and is not a strong force in our relationship; I am starting to care a lot more about who is running things.
14. We are having trouble handling financial issues. One of us doesn’t bring in enough money; we have differences about how to spend money; we are stressed about finances; my spouse is financially more interested in him/herself than in us; we are not united in managing our finances; there is not enough financial planning.
15. We are not having much fun together these days. We don’t seem to have much time for fun; we try but don’t seem to enjoy our times together very much; we’re too stressed for fun; work takes up all our time these days; our interests are so different, there are no fun things we like to do together; we plan fun things to do, but they never happen.
16. We are not feeling close about spiritual issues these days. We do not share the same beliefs; we do not agree about religious ideas and values; we do not communicate well about spiritual issues.
17. We are having conflicts about being part of a community together. We feel differently about being involved with friends, other people or groups; we have different opinions about putting time into the institutions of community (political party, school, hospital, church, agencies, etc.); we disagree about doing projects or working for charity; we disagree about doing good deeds for others.

If you’ve underlined three or more areas of conflict, there are significant issues your relationship must work through if it is going to be warmer, closer or happier.

Source:  “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman (Three Rivers Press).